10 things corporate meetings have in common

If you currently work for a company or don’t but still want a glimpse of what meetings at companies look like then this is for you. The all important meeting is a staple when working at a company. In fact chances are if you’ve worked for a company for a few years, you have entire days taken up by meetings! How cool right? So without further ado, here at 10 common traits of corporate meetings.

  1. It’s a total stare down contest. Everyone at the table is staring everyone down, to see if they flinch,  are nervous, fidgety, flustered, emotional, or paying attention. If you crackle some paper, watch out because these types will quickly tell you to be quiet and not to mess with papers while you’re in the meeting. One common trait amongst those who like to stare is this – they are insecure!
  2. Someone is definitely getting thrown under the bus. Meetings are used for various corporate things like getting everyone bogged down into corporate potlicking oops I mean politicking and corporate gossip/drama. As such, meetings are used to try to impress superiors. What better way to do that then make someone else look bad. Calling attention to someone else’s mistake or error serves the double function of placing negative attention on them while placing you in a more favorable disguised light. You can fully expect this to happen in every meeting.
  3. The topic(s) of the meeting are unimportant. Periods, commas, how wide should the margins be on this paper, how long should phone calls be, who is in charge of printing, whose job is it to take notes, who messed up on the last assignment, why didn’t xyz get done, what did the lawyers say about this, blah blah blah. Are you kidding me? Are we really spending hours discussing shit like this? Surely the lawyers that we pay hourly don’t like to discuss things like this, or do they? Do we even need lawyers for this? Well we’ve worked with them for years and they are the only ones who know where to put commas and periods. It’s the way that it’s always been done, we’ve always had meetings about these topics and since we are dumb as hell we continue to have these meetings discussing the same shit. Like I said, corporate meetings are a waste.
  4. Someone is trying to make a superior laugh with a stupid joke. You’ll see it all too often. A young intern, an entry level employee, or a seasoned vet drinking the kool-aid will always try to impress a superior with a dumb joke. On the flip side, the superior loves this level of servitude from lower level workers. They bow down, grovel, play the perfect courtier, give complements, agree with whatever the superior says and the list goes on. Why do employees do this? To win a chance at getting a $5,000 raise?
  5. Someone will take credit for another person’s work and/or idea. Imagine that you figure out the answer to an “important” issue and told your boss about it. At the next meeting you have don’t you think it’s entirely possible if not plausible that your boss will pass your solution off as the bosses own solution? After all, your boss doesn’t want you to take their job.
  6. Someone will ask when they are going to have another meeting. The little nerd weaklings want to impress their superiors so much that they will literally beg to have another meeting and so the question will always be asked “when are we meeting again”?
  7. A meeting syllabus will be handed out. Whether it’s the boss who wants to demonstrate “pre-meeting planning” or employees wanting to please their overlord, chances are someone will devise a meeting syllabus just to make doubly sure that all of the pointless, stupid topics are touched on.
  8. If lawyer’s are involved, stupid questions will always get asked. “Hey Mr. XYZ lawyer” does the regulation require 1″ margins on this document? Lawyer answers “well employee let me visit with my constituents about it and I will let you know at our next meeting”. Note – the lawyers are paid  via hourly rates and the law on margin requirements has never changed.
  9. The pecking order is observed. Watch out if you don’t respect the pecking order and speak up! If you know the answer to a question and speak up do so at your own peril. Your boss will not like you showing how intelligent you are. Too intelligent and you risk outshining the boss which puts their job in jeopardy. Know this: if you’re wanting to play the game, never outshine the boss. Don’t speak up too often as the boss likes to feel in power. If you speak up and show your smarts know the boss will not like this.
  10. Orders are given and another meeting is scheduled. At the end of the meeting the big boss will delve out orders, assign things (all unimportant), and another meeting will be scheduled.

And Voila, there you have it. If you’ve made if this far you now have a very good idea of what corporate meetings are like and consist of. I highly recommend staying as far away from corporations and meetings as you possibly can.

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